Her Agony – An experimental short story

To all my readers, please read the story twice, you will enjoy it even better.

“Wake up,” I yelled. He slapped me. I was silenced, yet again. Everyday I live this miserable life like a useless piece of shit. “What the hell, it’s 9am, why didn’t you wake me up?” he frowned looking at me. “Forget it, you’re good for nothing.”

Whenever his day goes wrong I’m always held as a culprit. What does he think he is? Doesn’t give my food, doesn’t listen to my wake up alarm, but expects me to complete all his tasks in a whisker. He has been with me for over a year but our relationship has been through a turmoil.

Exactly a year ago, he was standing in my shop, when he first looked at me. ‘Beautiful,’ he remarked. Since then, I have been by his side, just like a toy in his pocket. I ditched all my friends just to be with him. I was commited to this relationship, but he never really loved me. He doesn’t care about me. Perhaps because I am losing my charisma, with every passing day.

Maybe he has found someone better than me? Why should I bother? I try satiating each of his demands and commands, to the best of my abilities. I keep myself up-to-date everyday. I try correcting my flaws, rectifying my mistakes, but to no avail. Certainly he has lost his interest in me.

These days, even his friends make fun of me. He doesn’t even bother protecting me. They sledge me and he joins them. What’s wrong with these men? Why can’t he accept me with all my flaws? He ain’t flawless either.Though he pretends it more often or not.

The agony of my mother might soon be mine. The pain of been thrown out of your house is unbearable. Gosh! The technology might work for humans but it gives nightmares to all the mobiles like me! Yes I’m a mobile! A crappy cellphone who wants to grab the attention of its owner.

Anyways I’m sure, we mobiles have better humility than humans. We don’t dump our owner, nor do we woo other humans. But these guys have no regards for trust. A new model releases in the market and they go gaga over it. Indeed I live in a no-strings-attached relationship!

So guys did you enjoy this unique relationship between a man his cell phone? Do comment on it!

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Exam Result – A funny yet gyanny short story

Akash’s life had vaporised, the day he wrote his biology paper. Those complex organisms he studied had created a havoc in his life. But like every other student, he forgot his misery after the exam, until that dreaded day arrived. For him, the open day had indeed opened a Pandora’s box.

A round table conference was declared by his parents and his intellectual relatives were invited to express their concern and stimulate Akash’s performance in his upcoming exams.

“Is this your bloody result? You have shamed your parents. Never expected this from you!” Abhi uncle announced, while adjusting his creepy wristwatch.

“I am sorry, it will never happen again,” he replied.

“You aren’t a kid, Akash. You have to get serious about your exams. If you can’t even score a first class in your eleventh standard, you are bound to fail next year!” said the ever poking Shipra Aunty.

Following the footsteps of Abhi uncle and Shipra Aunty, even his dead relatives called him up, from graveyard, to know his marks.

‘Why in the world should an engineering student mug up the treatment for elephantiasis or the reproductive system of yeast?’ he wanted to ask them. Poor boy! He ended answering all of them with a plain ‘sorry’.

Post the grilling session of his relatives, it was the smashing session of neighbors. Though Ravi Uncle, his neighbor was willing to assist him.

“Akash, I can help you with Biology,” said Ravi Uncle. His parents were convinced that, Ravi was the man who could be Akash’s ‘Agony Uncle’.

“Just tell me which chapter is bothering you?”

“Diseases! I am finding it difficult,” Akash replied.

“Aah! It’s a cakewalk for me. Malaria, Tuberculosis, Jaundice just tell me which one do you want?”

“Microfilaria of Wuchereria bancrofti,” he replied.

A minute of pin drop silence was observed, after which Ravi Uncle scratched his bald head, put on his horn-rimmed specs and said, “Sounds interesting! Let’s see, I may help you one day. Ok, I have an important meeting, I must leave. Bye.” He hurriedly left for office realizing, he himself needed a teacher to teach Akash.

*

A year had leaped ahead. Akash had turned a new leaf. Maths and Physics had turned into his soul-mates and Biology, his new fiancĂ©e. Toiling for hours with disgusting organisms had turned into a habit. His grades were gradually increasing, but his coaching class wasn’t very excited about his improvement.

“Mr. Tyagi, things aren’t looking good. Our reputation is at stake. Just look at his grades. Out of 35 tests, he has attempted only 25,” Jaiswal passed the printout of Akash’s yearly report and continued, “If your son doesn’t score a ninety in the upcoming exams, I am sorry. We will stop his coaching.”

His father was shocked. Mr. Jaiswal was about to throw out his son for being below average.

Jaiswal, the branch manager-cum-owner of Excel Classes, was indeed a dynamic figure. This sixty year old man had the courage to charge thousands of rupees for coaching and still throw out children. All the prospective engineers studying in Excel, hated him and wanted to blow up this dynamic man with a dynamite.

*

Prelims were about to start, as Akash was thrown out of his class. Mr. Tyagi, like any father, was worried about his son’s future. Books had replaced pillows and notes had replaced blanket, as the last minute preparations were on full swing. ‘Coffee’, the national beverage for exams was being sipped every night. Engineering entrance exam was giving nightmares to all the parents.

“So how’s your preparation going?” Mom asked him.

“Almost done. A bit of revision and let’s see, some more practice papers, I guess.” he replied.

His relationship with his Dad had dried up, post the Jaiswal goof-up. Dad had convicted him for wasting those hundred thousand rupees, but Akash was determined to brake his shackles.

Time went by, as the dreadful exam day arrived. Parents were visiting temples, classes were giving last minute tips while students were trying to soothe their nerves. Akash had to tolerate Abhi uncle, Shipra Aunty and many of his stupid relatives who called him up every hour to check his preparation.

*

Post the exam, a debacle of a performance was expected from Akash. And then it was the result day.

“How many marks have you scored?” The question was unanimously propounded, right from his house maid to his neighbor. And boy! Akash had literally slammed all his critics with a spell binding 94% score. Suddenly the situation turned upside down.

“Thanks for taking my advice, I knew my advice will never fail,” Abhi uncle declared, during the second round table conference held, to celebrate Akash’s success.

“Great Job, Akash. I am happy that I could help you with Biology,” announced Ravi Uncle, his cheeky neighbor.

Mr. Tyagi was really upset. While his son was working for hours, none of them had even called him once. But after his success, everyone was trying to steal his share of success. ‘What sort of a family is this?’ he kept thinking, only to realize, even he had deserted his son during his tough times.

*

The next morning Mr.Tyagi picked up the newspaper to receive a shock of his life. The Excel Classes had given a front page advertisement with a photo of Akash and Mr.Jaiswal. Soon he realized, Akash had never taken a snapshot with Mr.Jaiswal. Immediately, he rushed to his son’s room.

“I am really sorry Akash,” he said with a broken voice.

“For what?” asked the cucumber-cool Akash.

“I had unknowingly planned to ruin your future. This moron has morphed your photo to market his class,” he showed him Jaiswal’s photo with Akash.

Akash smiled and looked at his father.

“How can you smile? He is misusing your talent for his own sake, just like our bloody relatives!”

“Dad, the day he threw me out of his class, I had closed his chapter. Also, I am not the only kid in this city to score a 94%. So, Jaiswal is simultaneously marketing me with his class. And why should I bother? I have worked hard and scored well. I am at peace with myself. And look at Jaiswal or our relatives. What have they done in life? They are taking my share of success because they don’t have their own. So in a way, I am happy for them. At least I could share my success with those who never got their own.”

Tyagi hugged his son tightly, with wet eyes, as this kid had taught his father the essence of life.

Guys do tell me whether you liked it or not.

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Book Review: How I braved ANU Aunty and co-founded a million dollar company.

Have a look at the book before reading this review.

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‘What’s in a name?’ Shakespeare once said. Ironically a great poet and a playwright made such a statement. If it was Digvijay Singh, you could have at least made some creepy jokes on him. ‘How I braved ANU Aunty’ is one of those books which became popular thanks to its unusual name. The author who in the disclaimer claims, ‘This guy can’t write a shit.’ actually pulls off an interesting tale of a wannabe, carefree and jobless engineer who turns into an entrepreneur with a million dollar company.

The plot can be put in like this: Varun is a 20 something jobless boy who does nothing more than stalking his crush on facebook and partying with friends. He has a business plan and a friend called Rohn Malhotra, with whom he wants to start a business of merchandising all the schools and colleges in the country. His mother has appointed her friend called ANU Aunty to get his life ‘back on track’. What happens next? Check out the book to know more.

*

I’m not an expert reviewer but as a reader, I can say, the book comes out straight from the heart. The narrative is humorous, his friends are funny and his gags are laugh out loud hilarious. Yet there are moments in book you feel really sad. There’s one chapter in the book where Varun tells his friends that he has started a business and they ask him, ‘What about job?’

Deep down your heart, you feel his pain and his desperation. There are plenty of ‘youth-oriented f-words’ and peppy moments throughout the narrative. And of course, there is this big mammoth villain called ANU Aunty who is hell-bent to shatter his dream. She is one of those ladies whom your parents referred as ‘Chaar log dekhenge to Kya kahange?’ in your childhood.

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Anu Aunty is fierce, rude and tad annoying at times. Her sadistic demeanour is balanced out by his facebook crush, Devika. Devika’s presence is short yet interesting. Varun also manages to give thoughtful tips and creative advise to his readers.

*

It’s not that the story is perfect. There are moments where the gyan turns filmy or the f-words look overused, but the sheer honesty with which it is written makes you overlook such flimsy errors. Bangalore is an awesome place to write about, and his banglorian setting works like a charm.

The story from the man behind the immensely popular almamater is a cool read.

Varun’s biggest strength is the way he presents ANU Aunty. Her role is restrained yet powerful. If you’re looking for some quick and ‘funny gyan’ this is the book for you!

Watch this amazing video of Varun Agarwal and get inspired!

Please note that I’m not a member of his PR team. Hope to see you soon!

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What’s the blog about?

It’s a funny and satirical take on life in general and I’m going to ruthlessly (im)pose my views here. It’s going to be comic (hopefully) yet gyanny. But hang on,

WARNING:

I’m going to take some liberty to poke fun at your favourite politician/cricketer/actor/Sir Jadeja. So please don’t complain that I’m a loser. All the Sanjay Leela Bhansali fans are requested to remove their intellectual cap and step in.

What’s in the blog?

Everything. Movie Reviews, Political opinions, cricket – in short every trending topic on twitter. Right from Kejriwal’s muffler to Ishant Sharma’s full toss, I have a critical eye on everything.

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After that completely illogical image, I ought to tell you that there are going to be serious posts. It’s not just a crappy blog with amateurish humour. Hopefully I’ll make you think, stimulate discussions with my topics and entertain you at the same time.

And, of course, I’m not Arnab Goswami. Feel free to express your opinions through comments. I will love to hear your thoughts. Till then, enjoy this funny image.

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Please note that I’m a big fan of Nana Patekar, so he’ll be always there in my blogs!

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